Muslim Bad
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
