Must be nice!
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
A little old lady…
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's