My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter
Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
What’s the opposite of isolate?
Yousoearly.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a–base
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet