My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
something something taxes idk
something something taxes idk
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
I won my first cage fight last night…
Parrot didn't know what hit it.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.