My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
3 Stooges vs 1 flat screen TV:
google featured snippet
Raven Coffehouse in Port Huron, MI
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
Boomer Christmas Humor
Disney is copying Elon. Me angy
But look at the stock market?!
Boomer movie humor
BREAKING: DONALD TRUMP IS A CUCKOLD
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early…
"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
Gravity sucks ASS (I am stealer dw)
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
The final battle
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
Cations are Pawsitive!
Murdered by words
She doesn’t know…
That’s pretty ironic if you get what I mean.
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
Always with the noses
What do you call an exploding duck?
Who’s to blame today?
Pro nuclear energy!
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Every cake day…
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What tea do rich people buy?
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
The Original Boomer Picture
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
Outranks it all
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Here’s a joke about China
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I haaaave the pooweeeeeer!!!!
He wasn’t getting his cut
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
How’s your Work From Home Going?
It’s no coincidence
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.