My 5 yr old son came up with this – what is the opposite of Kathmandu?
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
I then came in cider.
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Thanks for nothing!
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
because there's probable caws
With a sea saw
A can't opener
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
I said maybe
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
……it's a play on words.
I'd have $6.30 right now
He had a mold problem
As mushroom as possible.
Then it hit me.
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
They have anty-bodies
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
and then there’s you, without both.
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
It's still syncing
“My roof has disappeared”
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"