My 80 y/o grandma made lunch today…so I sent her a text. Keep in mind this is literally the first time shes ever sent a gif and I get hit with this 😂
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
I mean Pride Month is great and all…
But I was expecting more lions.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
