My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. âYou know, you donât have to order these all at once – Iâm happy to make them fresh,â says the bartender. âOh no, ya see,â replies the Irishman, âthe extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like weâre drinkin together,â and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartenderâs heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. âIm so sorry,â he says, âdid one of your brothers pass?â âOf course not, theyâre fine!â says the Irishman, âIâve just quit drinkin!â
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: âTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.â – I thought to myself, âI canât turn that down.'
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Iâm proud of my son, I never thought heâd go so far
The catapult worked well
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
My son told me that he didnât need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
What do you call a man who doesnât fart in public?
A private tutor.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Whatâs a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
Sheâs obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughterâs college tuition money back?
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".