My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
https://ift.tt/35u2JYe
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.
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Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper