My Amercia!
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
