My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
I didnβt think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, βI donβt care how big he is, heβs not getting a single one of my cows.β The medium bull says, βSame here, those are my cows.β The small bull agrees saying, βIβll fight if I have to, but heβs not taking my cows.β The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, βForget it, he can have my cows.β The medium bull, quivering by now, says, βNo way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.β They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. βWhat the hell are you doing?! You canβt hope to take him,β they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, βIβm trying to make sure he knows Iβm not a cow.β
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her βno it doesnβtβ
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier π The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
A man walks into a bar…
… and says to the bartender βIβll take a whiskey coke please.β The bartender says βno worries I have just the thing.β And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks βwhat the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.βΒ The bartender says βtake a bite.β The man takes a bite of the apple βwow this tastes just like whiskey!βΒ Bartender βTurn it around.β The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims βwow this tastes just like coke! Iβm gonna eat these all night!β A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says βno worries I have just the thing.β And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says βwhat is this? I donβt want an apple!β The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims βwow this tastes just like gin!β Bartender says βturn it around.β The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. βWow Iβm going to eat these all night!β Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says βMan I donβt want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.βΒ The bartender says βOh donβt worry I have just the thing.β And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says βwhat is this for?βΒ The bartender says βTake a bite.βΒ The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells βWHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!β The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison βTurn it around.β
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isnβt my least favorite thing.
But itβs definitely up there.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.