My aunt posted this, but the page was from silver humor. If you crave cringe and have Facebook, look there
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper