My aunt shared this on Facebook
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Heโs a pickup artist.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
Iโll never forget my granddadโs last words to me just before he diedโฆ
โAre you still holding the ladder!?โ
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrรถdinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: โFirst offender?โ Lady: โNo first a Gibson, then a Fender.โ
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
โThe Doctor will see you now.โ
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
I donโt know why I love bad puns so much
Itโs just how eye roll
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.