My Aunt shared this one
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.