My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
The wishes conundrum…
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down… The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
classic
classic
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”