My bad..
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it. The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke. That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why. The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?" "22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply. "Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man "It was the way you told it."
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Do I often put an orange slice in my beer?
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
What’s black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo