My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate"
He said "No, thats buoyancy"
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
They both border on stupidity.
Because its days are numbered
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Clothes, but no cigar.
…I can always count on them!
They were already stuffed!
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
Then they literally 4'20"
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterday when she said she was going for a team building meeting, I followed her on my motorbike after two blocks a guy stopped his car hugged her and opened his car door for her. I was watching all that from a distance so they wouldn't see me. When they finally drove off I tried to start my bike to follow them but it couldn't start. What could the problem be guys? The clutch ? Engine? Petrol? Plug? I'm so worried about my bike. Got banned from r/relationship_advice for this so thought I might as well post it here lmao
In case I get a hole in one…
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
The difference is staggering.
I heard that he was framed.
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
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But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Because one more bean would be too farty.
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
…have the same middle name
I wish I had never put it on.