My bigoted climate change-denying stepdad just sent me this picture. I’m considering whether I say “ok boomer” or have a long due argument that will split the entire family because changing his mind is like moving an immovable object.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
How are professional Jenga players different from basketball players?
They tower under everyone else.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."