My boomer teacher showed our class this
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
The western world
A copypasta
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
A millennial buying a home
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