My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
