My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”
“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.
“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”
So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
An Athiest in hell
An atheist dies and goes to hell The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
It snowed last night…
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
2 reasons I don’t give money to homeless people:
They would spend it on alcohol. I want to spend it on alcohol.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn’t know why the U.S. deported him there.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead