My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…