My boss refuses to pay a higher celery
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What do you call a cow with…
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with five legs? Chernobull.
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
https://ift.tt/3ayg8Cs
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likable.
It was an autobiography…
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out