My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
69 fought 70
71
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
I’ve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. They’re cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.