My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep