My boyfriend is hot, and he’s great at holding sheet metal together.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
