My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago.
I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say:
“Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year”
Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I for one like Roman numerals.
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To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run