My brother’s piano teacher posted this..
My son just called me Jim. I said, “That’s a bit presumptuous. Call me Dad.”
He said, “Now who is being presumptuous?”
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?”
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.