My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?'
'Exactly', he replied.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
They don’t do the reverse cowgirl in Alabama.
You never turn your back on family.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
Whenever I eat burnt toast it makes me feel sick.
I guess I’m just black toast intolerant.
