My car needs a wash
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…
I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
My mom just told me, “ Don’t forget that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”
I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression.
Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls