My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.