My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Today student only shoot teacher 2018 bad.
And most look like you and me, but don’t be fooled
This comic from 2014 seems more accurate than ever.
The military parades Trump SHOULD be planning…
TODAY’S RIDDLE: How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
It feels a lot swampier now
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
Bro you want this pamphlet?
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
found in my government textbook
DAE kids and wife bad? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Watch out for this one!
Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?
Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.
Wife bad. Kids bad. Alcohol good.
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
Violence is unacceptable.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
C in a nutshell
Hurts right in the feels
They just put some boomer comics in my English book.
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
2PAC more like 2-PAM
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Have you seen my bank statement, though?
5 years ago, Trump gave some advice to Bill Cosby about remaining silent.
Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
I think this fits
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
Found this in some magazine while I was out, I don’t even get the joke
Internships be like
Trial and error for ever
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
Domestic violence good
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Bug life cycle
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
low effort OC
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
Cheating is not cool
We told y’all homeboy
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
Python Humor (Found on Twitter. Creator: Ryan Sawyer @EightballArt)
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Made a meme for americans
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
bUt thEy cReAtE jObs!
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
Apparently the patients kept forgetting the first rule.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
The cells start coming and they don’t stop coming
Do you wanna develop my app?
Comment what grade you had to memorize the table
Only the best quotes
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.