Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
Wife to husband… Take off my heels….
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader