My code vs. the computer
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline
Idk I’m the one who’s asking
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
What does the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
