My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
Iβve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. Thereβs a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know itβs not the best, but it keeps forever and Iβve been perfecting my βauthenticβ ramen recipe. Sure enough, thereβs an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And thereβs literally a whole aisle of shelves thatβs just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. βWhat do you want?β The kid says, βI wanna get laid!β The Madam says, βYeah, come back in ten years.β βBut I wanna get laid.β The Madam bends down and says, βKid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.β Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, βKid! Youβre back!β The kid says, βYou said wait ten years, so I did.β Did you practice on the tree like I told you?β βYes maβam, I did!β The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, βWhat are you doing kid?β βChecking for squirrels.β
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried aboutβ¦
β¦the alpaca lips?
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
You canβt run through a campground
You can only ran, because itβs past tents.
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"