My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
None of them work.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a com- plete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.