I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. Sheâs dead and berried.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
Iâm nervous she wonât be able to pull it off.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No Iâm kidding they get shot
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
My wife yelled at me, âYouâre not even listening, are you?!â
I shouted back, âThatâs a weird way to start a conversation!â
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, âHey, you missed a right!â
I said, âThanks babe. You MRS. Right.â
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: âWhat are you doing there, Nancy?â
âMy goldfish died,â Nancy sobbed. âAnd Iâve just buried him.â The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: âThatâs a really big hole for a little goldfish, donât you think?â Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: âThatâs because heâs inside your cat.â
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
My wifeâs 32 today but Iâm only allowed to celebrate my wifeâs birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. Itâs not the best…
But itâs up there.
Me: Boss, Iâm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Itâs not about reversing an election, the Electoral College already did that
https://ift.tt/32nvrZt
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. âBarkeep, Oiâll have a pointâ, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. âA pint? Sorry sir, but I canât serve you. Youâre clearly too drunk.â The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. âBarkeep! âOw are ye dis foine eveninâ? Oiâll have a point, if ye willâ, he says to the bartender with a smile. âNone of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when youâre more sober.â âBah! Foine, foineâ, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. âBarkeep! Oiâll have a drink, and make er a double!â Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells âSir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, Iâll never serve you another drink!â The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. âAlright, Alright, Oiâll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oiâve one question for yaâ, he says, leaning in, âHow many fookinâ bars do ye work at anyway?â
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources – they're very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is. Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period. AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves. JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? Edit: wow Iâm so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naĂŻve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Aspen colonies are the worldâs largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Aspen colonies are the worldâs largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Why are teeth so privileged?
Theyâre straight and white.