My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door