My cousin has fallen to the dark side.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
Time will tell.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
![This video from facebook [screenshot]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/1pj8te1zmab21-400x440.jpg)
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.
But I managed to pull it off
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-1-400x476.jpg)
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.