My cousin has fallen to the dark side.
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"