My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
It really makes my day.
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I saw it with my own eyes
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Is it a hymn or a her?
I avoid meet
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
I was like, 0mg!
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
Then it would be a foot.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Please answer quickly
I told her to get out of my fort.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
There was just too much history between us.
IT'S FUCKING r/aww