My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we wonβt get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!π
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
The guy who stole my diary just died.
My thoughts are with his family.
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
I never quite understood dolphins…
I mean, whatβs their porpoise?
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
My wifeβs sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her βHow could you afford this?!β βYou know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,β she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, βI think Iβll start doing that.β βMe too,β I replied, turning to my sister in law. βWhatβs your husbandβs number?β
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.