My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
Heβs not looking so good.
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet….
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal – gold, silver, platinum – you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say…" the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When itβs full groan.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
βRabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, heβs decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?β The rabbi strokes his beard and says, βFunny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.β βWhat did you do?β asked the man of the rabbi. βI turned to God for the answer,β replied the rabbi. βWhat did he say?β asked the man. He said, βFunny you should come to me…β
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, βShouldnβt! Wouldnβt! Couldnβt! Didnβt! Canβt!β
βDonβt worry,β said the doctor. βThose are just contractions.β
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer βSmokingβ or βNon-smokingβ.
Apparently the correct terms are βCremationβ and βBurialβ.
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. βLast night I made love to my wife four times,β the Frenchman bragged, βand this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.β βAh, last night I made love to my wife six times,β the Italian responded, βand this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.β When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, βAnd how many times did you make love to your wife last night?β βOnce,β he replied. Only once?β the Italian arrogantly snorted. βAnd what did she say to you this morning?β βDonβt stop.β
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying βyeah this isnβt really for me, Iβm not having 67 more of those in my faceβ
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
βDad, I want to be a history major!β
Dad: I donβt see any future in it.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
A woman goes to her gynecologist…
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once youβve heard Juan, youβve heard Jamal…

The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: Iβm learning by diffusion
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.