My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A gay man goes to a church
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"
A mobile phone is like a penis.
Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
Dead crows
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
