My cousin’s Facebook page is a goldmine
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I just realized, this sub doesn’t inherently make fun of boomer humor, it just compiles it.
Some boomer humor is actually good, some is wholeheartedly trash, but both sides of the spectrum exist, and both can be enjoyed.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
