My cousin’s middle school student drew this in her art class
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
Because they take things literally.
but for me it will always be cake day!
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
And lowers it.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
If it isn't autocorrect
It's really hard to be leaf.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Because he is an absolute unit.
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
But a beautiful finish
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out. The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you." The man asks, "charge me? What for?" The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12