My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.
It was mine.
Q: How do you tell if there’s an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood đ
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a ÂŁ20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a ÂŁ20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another ÂŁ20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get ÂŁ1980 in used ÂŁ20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
After watching me read âWar and Peaceâ, my son asked me, âDad, why is the book so thick?â
Me: Well, itâs ……a long story.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
My mate keeps buying cars
Heâs got car owner virus
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Why doesnât it hurt to get hit with a soda?
Theyâre soft drinks.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
My chameleon wonât change colors anymore…
I think he has a reptile dysfunction.
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater