My current life decisions
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
Never date an apostrophe.
They're too possessive.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”…
…The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.