My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I’ll tell ya later
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
…it would become a pomegranite.
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Nothing scares me
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
I’ve never met herbivore.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
It becomes a laughing stock
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
They get really annoyed
Because they can't even.
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Add Spring Water
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I'm still working on it.
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
It just didn't cut it anymore
….really give me the crêpes.