My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.