My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
a man woke up after a serious accident and he said “I can’t feel my legs!!”
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
My favourite laws
1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyed 2. Murphy’s – anything that can go wrong will 3. Cole’s – thinly sliced cabbage
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
12yr old daughter got me good
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
Megalodong
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
