My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.
Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
WHAT DO WE WANT? LOW FLYING PLANES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!!
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
