My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work.
Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner"
Me "No, I would say you look about 40"
Not even a chuckle from him ๐
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I donโt know what to make of it.
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then saysโCan you see me now?โ And they answer: โYesโ โOuiโ โSiโ โJaโ
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funnyโฆ"
I used to have a dog with no legs named โCigaretteโ
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
Orionโs Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: โWatson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.โ Watson replies with: โI see millions and millions of stars.โ Holmes says: โAnd what do you deduce from that?โ Watson thinks for a minute before responding: โWell, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, itโs quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: โNo you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.โ
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasnโt polished enough
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. โPardon me, sir,โ the mailman says, โbut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itโs only going to end up back at your home in a few days.โ โAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againโ replies the Buddhist monk. โBut sir,โ says mailman, โyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.โ โBut that is my intention, dear man,โ replies the Buddhist monk. โYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.โ
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: Youโre fired.
What’s it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?
Peter Parking.
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything. Me : This isn't a chair.
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
A manager announces to his staff, โIโve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, Iโm offering a 100 dollars finderโs fee!โ
A voice in the background says, โIโm offering 200!โ
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Wife: honey, Iโm pregnant. Weโre going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi Iโm pregnant. Weโre going to have our first kid, Iโm dad
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador