My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
But it can't be that hard.
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
It’s not stroganoff.
why does it bring out people's inner child?
It’s butter that way.
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
He hates capitalism
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
That spoke volumes.
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
but I partied like it's $19.99.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
Especially since his name is Steve
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Must be some kind of milestone…
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Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Because everyone is Taipei.
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
So i packed up my stuff and right
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.