My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,
“Be positive”.
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
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I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.