My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
It was just collecting dust
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it. The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”. A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again. The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?” The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Nothing they're fine
I don't know what to make of it
I could not take the pane.
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
Because light attracts bugs.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I'm a cashew!
When I open it, it makes me cry.
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So I offered to lend him a hand
He was the key witness
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
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her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" "Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.