My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
I for one like Roman numerals.
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Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
I can cut a log just by looking at it!
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…