My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
There are two types of person.
The Master Programmer
What is the opposite of adulting?
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
This. Please conservatives, get with us and pick up the damn pitch fork
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
This is our president
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
Don’t you just hate it when your son wants to spend time with you?
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
Meanwhile in Brazil…
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
How many of you guys do this?
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
what a great, clean joke
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
i pushed code without testing
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
A Fisher of Men…
What do you call a fictional country?
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
the good old days!
When Frontend is Ready before Backend
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Newton 3rd law simplified.
Why can’t I log into anything?
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."
I just finished my x86 final and my brain is fried
I thought the artist was self aware there for a second
The Best one I’ve seen so far…“Yeaeee!”
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
BREAKING: DONALD TRUMP IS A CUCKOLD
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Atomic numbers, holy numbers
She thinks she’s about to be killed
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
“And lol, the Trump/Pence will sound!”
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Take off the hat
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
An accurate version