My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
Do you speak Spanish?
A) No B) A little C) Señor
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I’ve always wanted one of these on my car
No text found
Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.